WARNING: This Brown Bag Contains Awesome Advice

I'm a doctor!

By Dr. Rooster McAwesome

As you may have gathered from my byline, I am a doctor. This means that, in addition to having a huge salary, a mansion, a gorgeous young wife with perfect knockers, and a teenage mistress with slightly better knockers (that my wife totally knows about and is cool with!), I am much more intelligent and gracious than you non-doctors. That’s why, when I see a nice story on the secret doctor news website about a fiscally responsible Wisconsin gubernatorial candidate, I think, “Wisconsin?! Who cares? It’s basically Canada.” But immediately afterward I think, “Wow, I like this guy. Now what can I do to help him out?” That, my friends, is what separates me from your Average-Joe-Keystone-Light-30-pack. So what follows is my advice, as a doctor and a genius, to Scott Walker.

First of all, to get your Brown Bag Movement (not to be confused with the much cooler Brown Bag Party) off the ground, Scott, you really need the youngsters on board. And I understand the youngsters. When they hear something about politics, they are all like, “Durrrr! iPod! High definition! Sarcastic remark!” In conclusion, you really need to reach out to them in a less direct fashion. One way to do this is to take your #brownbag Twitter meme to the next level. Unfortunately, this means focusing less on politics and more on the nihilistic humor of today’s youth, as well as their dumb, non-doctor-related obsessions. But any publicity is good publicity, right? Here are some examples (in case I am going over your non-doctor head, the following are what people find in their brown bag and then “tweet” about it):

#brownbag Dangnabbit, it’s big city values!
#brownbag Warning: this brown bag contains RAPE!
#brownbag Just liquor in mine
#brownbag ZOMG Justin Bieber! So hot!
#brownbag More bags :(
#brownbag Cheese and fireworks!
#brownbag Orby? NOOOOO!
#brownbag An Illinois driver! Kill it with fire!

People also love a good story. It helps those with lesser, non-medically-trained intellects to become interested in things that they can’t actually wrap their stupid brains around. Therefore, build the Scott Walker Legend. Right now you have a good start, but it’s already getting old: “Scott and Tonette Walker have given back over $370,000 of his salary to the county. Scott drives a 1998 Saturn with 100,000 miles on it and packs the same brown bag lunch before heading to the office to save money: two ham and cheese sandwiches on wheat with mayo.” Blah blah blah. Here are some ideas to spice it up a little (as in a LOT):

• Scott Walker has achieved the inhuman feat of having sex with same same woman over and over for nearly 17 years, even though it’s honestly pretty much a chore at this point, but them’s some small town values at work, folks!
• Scott Walker gets all of his furniture, appliances, and food from dumpster-diving, and refuses to give his wife and kids allowances: that’s how committed he is to fiscal responsibility!
• Scott Walker once rode a turtle all the way to city hall!
• Scott Walker controls the five points of Wisconsin like the fingers on his hand; when he makes a fist, cover your dick, America!
• Scott Walker spent 40 years roaming the country with nothing more than 5 pairs of shoes, the clothes on his back, and a guitar, which provided him with a REAL education — in small town values and common sense!
• Scott Walker once punched a politician in the throat for almost mentioning taxes!
• Scott Walker, despite the claims of his rivals, has NEVER employed a gay wizard or anyone’s reanimated zombie grandfather!

Moreover, Scott, a lot of people will be offering you financial assistance. Money is something that, as a rich doctor, I know a lot about. Money is great! It’s the BEST! But there are certain groups you should be wary of taking money from. Most importantly, DO NOT accept contributions from the Badger Boys. This is just common sense; badgers cannot be trusted. We learned that on day one of medical school, so you probably weren’t aware of this law of nature.

Finally, hire me as your marketing guru. If the above free, guaranteed-to-succeed nuggets of political wisdom don’t convince you, nothing will. Oh, wait … I don’t have time for that; I am a doctor!

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