Maybe I'm the kind of man who likes to sniff things.
The year is 2010. Mankind lives peaceably together under climate-controlled, paradise domes. Hunger, disease and war have been eradicated, so too have the dangerous and distracting class distinctions of our primal and bloody past. There are no fat people, because fat people are disgusting. Instead, genetically-engineered super humans wander about in perfect contentment, their horse-sized members and perfect, shapely breasts swaying in the pleasant computer-simulated breeze. Human intercourse has been vastly improved due to the addition of a new sensuous area on the bodies of women known as ”Fourth-Hole.” And if one can spare a few hours between getting slammed into unconsciousness by their own unmitigated bliss, vacation packages to Mars are readily available.
Oh, and one more thing: Fuck you, Science!
All the broken promises, Science. Hover cars, matter teleportation, space travel in the blink of an eye? Go stick it up your Fourth-Hole. To hear you clowns tell it, we were on the verge of punching the very face of God. Instead, all we have to show for your hundred years of lies are camera phones and more convenient ways to masturbate. Been to the moon lately, Science? What’s that? Not since 1972? Where’s my clone, Science, up your ass? Do you really think I would have huffed all that gasoline if I had known I wouldn’t have a living cadaver from which to harvest fresh organs?
The Sedin Twins. What the fuck, Science?
No, Science, I wouldn’t have. And speaking of gas, how is the search for inexpensive, renewable energy sources going? What’s that? Today there’s more black shit in the Gulf than after Katrina? Shame, shame, Science. We asked you to find the God Particle, instead you gave us the Sedin twins. We wanted immortality, you gave us an iPod that holds 40,000 Lady Gaga songs. Oh well, at least you totally cured cancer.
So now I’m drawing a line in the sand, Science. It’s nice that you finally got around to perfecting 3-D technology after 90 years, but what the hell happened to Smell-O-Vision? No, I’m not talking about the kind of Smell-O-Vision from back in the old days where, for a nickel extra, an out-of-work carnie would fart in your face every time an image of Eleanor Roosevelt appeared on-screen.
I'm thawing out this old bitch and we'll see what happens.
And don’t give me some song and dance about a state-of-the-art Smell-O-Vision theatre at Disney World in the 1950s either. No, Science, the kind of Smell-O-Vision I demand comes standard in every theatre in the world, and blasts you right in the sniff-hole with high-powered aroma tubes. If there’s an ocean in the movie, I want to smell the seawater. If there’s a gunshot, I want to smell the gunpowder. If Stella gets her groove back, you better believe I want to be up to my Ethmoids in stank. I’ll leave the details to you, but I want it good, and I want it fast.
It’s the least you can do, Science, and as we’re all well aware, you are quite adept at doing the least you can do.
No related posts.
Yeah what the HELL, science?! I was promised living dinosaurs, living robot organisms, being able to upload my essence into an eternal matrix of pure information, being able to live on a martian colony, augmenting my already amazing body with super- and extra-sensory perception, being able to understand this gay-ass universe completely, nanobots, sex with aliens, sex with dinosaurs, sex with robots, sex with organic fleshpods, sex with my clones (FEMALE clones of course, but now that I think about it…), holograms, force fields, faster than light hyperdrives, teleportation … need I say more?! You know what you did, science. Or rather, what you didn’t do. Now go back to your room and don’t come out until you bring me something cool!
Yeah, Science. If we can dream it, your bitch ass better do it.
Nice try science: an elaborate experiment to test whether Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity is right: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/space/7695994/Largest-scientific-instrument-ever-built-to-prove-Einsteins-theory-of-general-relativity.html
Well guess what — it will be right. This is Einstein here, not Deepak Chopra. Lasers, gravity waves, learning about stars, etc are all cool, but they can’t distract sharp minds like ours from the fact that you are doing something you should have done DECADES ago!
“More black shit in the gulf than after Katrina” ?! That’s the most racist thing I’ve ever heard. F this site.
hhaha awesome. let me write for you. this site is the best evar
We will certainly consider your contribution. Simply send us an email with an article in it (and your pen name) to guestreviewerscum@gmail.com
I don’t know Baron… This Bill fella strikes me as one of those backhanded-backlinking sons of bitches. Proceed with caution.
He seems like an OK fellow to me. Not every blog can be as classy as ours. Wait a second, why are a hundred browser windows opening up, all leading to gaytweeners.com? Oh FU—