Mosques for Manhattan: It’s as Halal as Apple Pie, Fuckers!

By Barry McCockiner
My, my, how times have changed. There has been a great kerfuffle lately about the entire hullabaloo surrounding the complete fiasco of the proposed construction of a grand 13 story Mosque at Ground Zero in Manhattan. Quite frankly, I don’t see what all the pissing and moaning is about. Have any of you fucking troglodytes heard of the First Amendment? This is AMERICA, (insert deity, or atheist modifier, of your preference) damnit. This nation has a long and sordid history of suicidal compromise and self destruction. It’s a tradition as old as anchor babies and open borders, you blind assholes. Why should this Sharia shoving terrorist factory be any different? GET USED TO IT, KNUCKLE DRAGGERS! ZONING LAWS! FREEDOM OF SPEECH! (Disclaimer: Christians need not apply)

Need convincing? No problem. American history is replete with examples of indecency made acceptable in the name of tolerance. Take for example, the Battle of Gettysburg. Quite possibly, the bloodiest battle of the Civil War. A war fought for freedom, liberty, the end of slavery… and the eventual construction of the New Black Panther Party Headquarters on top of the rotting cracka’ corpses who made it all possible. To quote the stirring words of Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, “We can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. So that, one day, the unfettered First Amendment ejaculations of an ignorant and outrageous future generation of douche-bags, will afford them the freedom to advocate the killing of countless ‘lil’ cracka’ babies’ while pointing shotguns and billy clubs at lil’ ol’ cracka’ voters, to prevent them from hobbling ever so slowly (with their canes, walkers and loaded diapers) to the polls in order to vote for another cracka’ President.” In hindsight, a wise and prescient man. Pennsylvania now boasts the nation’s highest cracka’ murder rate, thanks in no small part to the deranged bleatings of King Samir Shabazz, and his loyal following of bloodthirsty New Black Panther cracka’ corpse junkies. What a glorious celebration of the sacrifice our cracka’ forefathers laid down upon the altar of cracka’ freedom.

And let’s not forget the Pearl Harbor New Tokyo Shinto Shrine, Sushi Bar and Casio Repair Center. Built conveniently on what’s left of the deck of the U.S.S. Arizona, just six long months after the initial attack that brought our country into the thick of the war. Some people thought it was “too soon”, but the sales receipts tell quite a different story. After all, where else can an American go to learn how thousands of our valiant soldiers were executed by the superior Imperial Japanese, eat a delicious spread of sashimi and tempura, and buy a quality 80’s time piece? It’s the ultimate in one-stop-shopping. The New Tokyo Shinto Shrine: Where guilty liberal round-eye come to apologize for ending war and preserving liberty. Tuesday is saki-bomb night. Bring a friend.

Aside from that, there was the occasional gripe about war crimes, or inappropriateness… or some such bullshit. But ultimately, freedom of religion and freedom of indecent speech won the day. The critics really made it sound like the torturing and mass killing of nearly 30 million Chinese, Indonesians, Koreans, Filipinos, Indochinese, and Western POW’s was something to be ashamed of. They pooh-poohed Japan’s human experimentation, amputation and vivisection of civilian prisoners and POW’s without the use of anesthesia (anesthesia, as all scientists know, skews the results of human experimentation when you pull out a person’s living organs). Come now, we mustn’t judge. It’s their culture. Just like cannibalism, forced labor, preventable famines, conscripted burial teams, burying prisoners alive, and the sex slavery of “military comfort women” are cultural phenomenon we must learn to accept. If only we ugly Americans could learn to be as open minded as those dirty Imperial Jap bastards who knew how to get shit done.

And finally, we come to the best possible example of why we must open-mindedly turn our Constitution and the Bill of Rights into a suicide pact. The esteemed Nazi Cultural Center built amid the rubble, ash and rotting Jewish corpses of Auschwitz. An edifice that has come to be known as the catalyst for healing and bridge building between the German people and all those dead fuckers they’ve murdered around the world. Built entirely from the bones of executed Jews, the Nazi Cultural Center was constructed with public donations and monies laundered through a private Nazi Appliance manufacturer. Auschwitz Ovens & Showers has done brisk business since 1942, which financed the Cultural Center’s construction through the mid 50’s. With their world renowned motto, “The Final Solution in home appliances”, who could doubt their sincerity and dedication to cultural healing? Sweet pre-heated Jesus, if the Nazis can reach out to the poor bastards THEY murdered, why can’t we allow the Muslims to do the same?

After all, they only wish to bring the gift of Sharia law to the United States. What’s the harm in that? I’m for ANY law that declares a woman only half a person. It’s kind of neat to think that one day we may all have the Constutional Sharia right to stone a woman to death in the streets for not wearing her bee-keeper’s suit to Imam tailored specifications. Perhaps even a bowl of acid in the face for not adhering to Sharia law. Don’t do what your husband tells you? Off with your nose, you insolent bitch! Or in some cases, off with her head. Muzzammil Hassan, the civilized founder of an upstate New York Islamic TV station aimed at countering Muslim stereotypes (can someone say “irony”?), was arrested earlier this year after the decapitated head of his wife was found at the Bridges TV station in the Buffalo suburb of Orchard Park. But intolerant Americans will never understand these cultural nuances of the religion of peace. Such as the fantastically open-minded practice of female circumcision. Nothing says liberty and sexual repression like a good old fashioned genital mutilation.

So you see, my little infidels, this is not merely a question of religious freedom, or freedom of speech, or even the fucked-up-ed-ness of New York zoning laws. It is a matter of common decency. And what better way to sanctify the hallowed ground in Manhattan, where thousands of Americans were ruthlessly murdered, than to erect a huge phallic representation of Islamo-nazi triumph over the bodies of the slain? After all, it’s the tolerant thing to do. Just ask Hitler and Hirohito. It’s as halal as apple pie, fuckers.

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