Prescription Drugs – Good, Bad, or Holy Shit?

 By Captain Ponderschit

In this prescription-drug fueled society we live in today, is it really even possible for us to be normal anymore?  Without the usual morning, noon, and evening poppers we induce into our bodies, which are legally prescribed by our doctors, we couldn’t stand a chance of watching both a sunrise and sunset in the same 23 hour period without being fucked up by something (23 hours, because 24 hours could potentially provide you two sunrises or two sunsets, depending on when you started the clock…  You thought you had me on this one, didn’t you?). 

Is this a problem in our society right now?  You betcha it is!  And you can also betcha that I’m loving it! 

Let’s just say, and mind you, we’re just saying it for the sake of the argument, that someone was to get hold of some oxycontin (oxy’s, we’ll call them)…  the 80’s, with the green shit-tasting coating – the most powerful ones on the market.  Let’s just say. 

The razor blade is the only thing that's "Made in USA" in this picture of fantasticness

Let’s also say that the green, shit-tasting coating was washed off somehow, and the pill crushed into a powder form, then snorted like any other powder (baby, talc, nutmeg, any powder you can think of).  From what I’ve heard, the results are ever-so-slightly short of orgasmic.  And you can do ANYTHING you want to when under the influence of it…  ANYTHING. 

Now did this person get those oxy’s legally?  Of course, if they were in stage 3 or 4 cancer, or had an incredible debilitating condition or disease that warranted them.  Of course, they got them legally.  How on Earth could one get them illegally?  Totally impossible…  totally… 

Now, I am in absolutely no way condoning the use of this method should you actually get your hands on some of this shit, but I will tell you that you won’t have to worry about it, because it’ll be prescribed by a qualified physician, and it’ll be legal should you get it…  Again, there’s no way to obtain it illegally…  Totally impossible…  totally… 

Just kidding.   

"I'll take baggie #2 for $4,000 please, Alex."

For a mere $300-$400 per week (for starters), you yourself can obtain an addiction to this oxy drug that will grip the very foundations of your soul, and make you think that nothing in life is worth doing without the high.  Now THAT, folks, is worth all the paychecks you can muster up.  Any savings you have – cash out.  Anything in your wallet, including the business cards – offer them up.  Spare change in the couch?  Find that shit now!  It’ll keep you going for as long as you wish…  Or can afford. 

Let’s not talk about when your brain says, “Hey, what the fuck are you doing other than killing yourself?”  When this happens, do yourself a favor and push that thought aside, because the beginning of the next high is only 10-15 minutes away. 

Only when your brain combines two-and-two, and says to you, “Money’s tight, and you’re fucked up all the time” can you truly begin to realize what you’re ultimately in store for. 

I won’t get into moderate opiate withdrawal, which has, at a very minimum, a typical 4-6 day session of the following:  Runny nose, sneezing, fever, lava shits that can only be controlled by an entire package of Imodium that you can no longer afford, watery eyes, tiredness, aching everywhere in your body, uncontrollable emotions, lack of appetite…  Basically, the worst possible flu you can imagine, and then some.  But fear not, folks!  It only lasts for 4-6 days, and then you’re back to normal, and the physical addiction is broken.  Ok, maybe I got into a little bit of the withdrawals.  A little bit. 

"I'll let you both DP me for just one hit!"

Now, for those real hard asses that still want the shit after going through some of the worst withdrawals imaginable (Google “opiate withdrawal” if you don’t believe it), then you’ll most likely slip back into the same paycheck-to-drug-to-nose system that so many people are in these days. 

I can say that you should simply “Say no to drugs”, but in all reality, we’re a society of drug users.  If you’re not currently using a drug, whether it be legally or illegally, you will be in due time.  After all, it’s been the ‘American Way’ now for 30+ years…  You’re bound to be on them eventually.  Maybe not oxy, maybe not prozac, maybe not even Tylenol 3, but you’ll be on one of them eventually, should you live so long. 

A little experimentation on what the future holds in medicine can only do a healthy mind good as a learning experience, right?  After all, Oxy is one of the most powerful major ‘legal’ drugs of choice for the current generation…  What will the next generation give us, which also so happens to be the generation that will administer to us those drugs as we lay dying on hospital beds?  Hopefully, it’s an everlasting orgasm drug…  After all, we’re damn near to that point today.   

Maybe, after all, we’ve found a way to create the perfect generation.  And of course, it’ll be a drug-induced generation as well.  And maybe once, just once, they’ll understand “our pain”. 

Not sure I’m ready for that yet…  But I’ll try it, so long as a physician says it’s ok…  After all, they know it all, right?

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