Have You Ever Considered Working Online Instead of Eating Cat Food in Your Trailer Home All Day?
FROM THE ACTION JOBS REPORT NEWS DESK
Well, area woman Mary Jo Stanton never had until randomly mashing her sweaty, ham fists into the keyboard of her brother-in-law Ray’s computer and ordering a course called Paulie Pumpkins’ Golden Streams of Unlimited Income. Before she knew it, Mary Jo had discovered a way to supplement her monthly welfare check and to keep her entire family flush in NASCAR commemorative plates and risky abortion procedures.
“After discovering the Pumpkins’ system, I suck black dick because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to.”
After hearing Mary Jo loudly and severely discipline her cats, we here at the Action Jobs Report News Desk decided to feature her story in our totally legitimate weekly consumer report. During our citizens’ band radio interview, she told me her amazing story. “I actually make about $3,000-$4,000 a month working online. Added to my welfare check, it’s enough to comfortably replace the income I used to earn as docent at the Creationist Museum, especially since I only work 1-2 seconds a month from home.”
Working online has been a financial windfall for Mary Jo, who has spent nearly the last two decades making zero effort to find a job. “True, I was fired back in ’91 after getting caught blowing black guys in the Creationist Museum planetarium. But it seems to me that my Jesus-burner, asshole boss Glenn should have been more concerned with where that daughter-fucker Adam found his extra wives than with the contre-tierce parry-party raging in my mouth behind the ’God’s Cavefish Design’ exhibit in the Palm Sunday plaza.”
One of the many fat checks received by Mary Jo shortly prior to being soaked in cat urine and cashed for a 45% service fee at a Hindu-operated convenience store.
“Jeff Gordon’s gay. That Yankee faggot can keep his fancy dinner plates!”
Being a dedicated consumer-protection organization, we at the Action Jobs Report News Desk asked Mary Jo how she began her remarkable journey. “Oh, it was easy as fuck,” she replied while quite possibly drowning an adorable kitten. “My brother-in-law Ray told me I was too fat for the Internet, but I guess I showed that drunk bitch. He’s not a man.”
Continued Mary Jo: “When you live in a trailer with your nine quadroon bastards from five different fathers, you start looking around for ‘get rich quick’ Internet scams. Pyramid scheme? Fuck yeah. Sell shit to your own awful family? Hell-fucking-yeah! In fact, with the Paulie Pumpkins’ Golden Streams of Unlimited Income system, it doesn’t even matter that my chub paws are too meaty for individual keystrokes and I can no longer support my own girth.”
Who is Paulie Pumpkins?
His books have sold over 3.5 billion copies, over 525,000,000 people have attended his wealth seminars, and he’s accepted challenges by the press only to prove time and again that his money-making strategies work.
In fact, he was recently challenged again on national TV in front of a live studio audience. His challenge was to take someone from Regis Philbin’s studio audience and teach them his wealth building strategies – and guess what?
“Pumpkins playfully dangled his exposed genitalia in Regis’ face on live TV and asked Kelly if she was prepared for the hardcore shit that was about to rage like a mother bitch!”
Here’s how to get started:
Step 1
Go to Paulie Pumpkins’ Golden Streams of Unlimited Income and check for availability in your area.
Step 2
Follow the easy instructions from Paulie Pumpkins’ Golden Streams of Unlimited Income.
Step 3
Deposit your Earnings by check or direct bank transfer and start doling out free abortions to your friends and family like you’re a Rockefeller! (Making money has never been so easy. Get ready for your life to change.)
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Adam didn’t fuck his daughters; there are genealogical gaps post-exile/pre-flood…Pick up after Noah- pretty detailed after that.
I laughed like a mother-humper ( I guess, anyway…will endeavor to collect empirical evidence after bearing children).
Paulie -I know you hear this all the time- but you must get an *amazing* amount of pussy, you’re a satirical *genius*. ..& you must have had an exceptionally secure upbringing to regularly and willingly wander this far off the reservation of normative social decorum…Which can only indicate one truism regarding your superior and juxtapositionally honed/self-abused character; you’re a gentleman in public- and an absolute *bastard* behind closed doors.
*hawt*
Token, it’s time to forget all that Bible shit and start making mad cash, son.
Does anyone have the contact information for that amazingly fuckable woman, Mary Jo Stanton? Now there’s someone whose genitalia I’d like exposed in front of my face.
You’d better be swinging at least 9″ of dark meat or Mary Jo won’t give you the time of day.
Damn my luck of being hung like an Asian midget. Maybe she’d let me jerk my pathetic meat in front of her while she gets some black dick action. I’m sure she would for the right price. Capitalism is beautiful!
Upon first, second, and third glance it appears as though Mary Jo is diddling herself just a little bit. I wish my mustache was that awesome.
with some hard work and hormone shots i bet you can have a mustache that will put mary jo’s to shame.
Hmm, a fourth look. It appears as though MJ’s “mustache” might be a mirage–simply 1 of her 12 chins. Carry on.