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There have been many glorious legends throughout the history of mankind: The Philosopher’s Stone, King Arthur, the Legend of Zelda, the Legend of Third Wheel, the Legend of Curly’s Gold, the Legend of Lemmiwinks … But there is one legend so incredibly legendary that it rules over them all: the Legend of Alphadrop.
What is Alphadrop, you foolishly ask? Alphadrop is a band, nay, a musical experience. They are no mere rock group, but a POWER TRIO. Rumor has it that the name “Alphadrop” is a word of immense spiritual power. It was the last phrase uttered to Joseph Smith by the angel Moroni, which he totally forgot to write down in the Book of Mormon, but which was rediscovered and utilized by the Illuminati, finally coming to full fruition in its present use as the moniker of our power trio. Allow me to introduce them.
Jason “and the Argonauts” Simon pounds the skins with the force and terrifying rhythm of a boatload of sweaty, homosexual Greeks. He plays on drums made from the foreskins of the American Founding Fathers. Due to his scaly, barbed penis he can only make love to dragons and our own Gladys, neither of which is nearly as erotic as the above artistic rendering.
Jack “Tabasco-in-your-asshole” Kooistra provides vocals, bass slapping, and gut-busting stage antics. Conceived during a time-travelling three-way between Johann Sebastian Bach, William Shakespeare, and Marilyn Monroe, he is graced with both looks and talent. He is known far and wide for his enjoyment of practical jokes, which often involve condiments and bodily orifices.
Matt “The Rapist” Trojello sexually assaults your ears with his guitar and, if you’re lucky, his penis. Originally a disembodied spirit, a dark wizard trapped him in the physical form of Christian Bale from The Machinist [see left]. It is said that he can only be freed once he crafts the greatest guitar solo of all time.
Like all legendary characters, Alphadrop have acquired a merry band of followers. There is Cletus, a morbidly obese man with a perversely expensive camera that he expertly wields with the finesse of a Salvadorian prostitute stealing Paulie Pumpkins’ wallet with her pussy.
There is Starbright, the aged hippie who, if given a few swallows of beer, frolics before the stage like Middle Earth’s happiest elf. It is rumored that he lives in a tree stump and jealously guards his Pot ‘O Heroin, which can be found only at the end of a chemtrail.
There is Dapper Dan, an elegant, willowy man with long grey hair and a cane, who will be delighted to tell you what the government did with all those alien corpses. In return, you must give him a ride to the YMCA. No number of trips to Octopus will be able to remove his stench from your car.
And finally, if one is extremely fortunate, local celebrity Jesus Adolpho Domingo Santa Maria El Conquistador Waldo Shoppingpole Correa XXVIII, Jr., Esq. might be in attendance and bless the crowd with a delightfully whimsical slam poetry session or a dazzling interpretive performance of John Lillison’s “Pointy Birds.”
Alphadrop are the first musical artists with the enormous testicular fortitude to pose the question: What would Stone Temple Pilots sound like without all of those pesky, catchy melodies? The answer is: Too metal, too metal. Just check this shit out:
Alphadrop have the amazing ability to make every song sound like STP’s “Meat Plow”, whether it be a blistering original tune, a Lou Reed cover, “Foxy Lady” by Hendrix, or the “Sesame Street” theme song.
They also put on quite the stage show. The ears are bombarded with angular riffs, funky beats, and bass pops. The eyes are dazzled with colored lights and fucking LASERS. And the heart is warmed and uplifted by the stage antics of bassist Jack “Tabasco-in-your-asshole” Kooistra. He is a chameleon-like performer, shifting in and out of personas with the mere application of sungalsses and funny hats. The fortunate audience will witness his pantomime routine about being too fucked up to play bass. This is clearly something Tabasco has to beg the rest of the band for weeks to let him do, but they are wrong to doubt him because he sells it, oh how he sells it.
Perhaps you now wish to experience Alphadrop for yourself. Good luck! Alphadrop shows are not planned in advance. There is an agreed upon place, which a select few apostles are informed of via encrypted scrolls discovered at the end of elaborate scavenger hunts, at which the band will materialize without warning and play for whoever or whatever might happen to be there. The show may last for five hours or it may end partway through the first song. Alphadrop embodies the capricious forces of nature, and therefore their legend is a lesson to mankind: approach life with vigilant awareness, for it is gone in no time at all. The sun may burn out and humanity may perish, but the Legend of Alphadrop will live on forever.
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“Perhaps you now wish to experience Alphadrop for yourself. Good luck! Alphadrop shows are not planned in advance. There is an agreed upon place, which a select few apostles are informed of via encrypted scrolls discovered at the end of elaborate scavenger hunts, at which the band will materialize without warning and play for whoever or whatever might happen to be there. The show may last for five hours or it may end partway through the first song. Alphadrop embodies the capricious forces of nature, and therefore their legend is a lesson to mankind…”
The (after) Birth of Cool, Baron….My sole disappointment this go-around~ was that it was not written in Elvish.
I have to take a prescription dose of OTC Aleve now and run to the store to buy tampons because I’ve just gotten my period; I am telling you this because I now a have picture of of Dragon-on-Woman cunnilingus etched in my minds eye. The dick didn’t bother me.
“The Afterbirth of Cool.” Not bad! By writing it in elvish I would have shrank the already limited audience for this thing down to one other person, so maybe I should have done that… Don’t knock dragon cunnilingus till you try it.
as far as dragon cunnilingus goes, i’ve tried it and i don’t knock it. there aren’t words to describe the sensation, one much experience it themselves. i do warn you though, be careful as the dragon has the potential to shoot fire up your vagina. maybe i deserved that though since i compared his dragon-sized dick to paulie’s non-dragon-sized dick, which the dragon thought i meant paulie’s was better, when it obviously wasn’t since it wasn’t dragon-sized. note to self: do not bring up other men or their dicks when a dragon is giving me oral pleasure.
From what I hear any comparison with Paulie Pumpkins’ dick is always going to come out in the other guys’ favor, so that dragon had nothing to worry about.
“Perhaps you now wish to experience Alphadrop for yourself. Good luck! Alphadrop shows are not planned in advance. There is an agreed upon place, which a select few apostles are informed of via encrypted scrolls discovered at the end of elaborate scavenger hunts, at which the band will materialize without warning and play for whoever or whatever might happen to be there. The show may last for five hours or it may end partway through the first song. Alphadrop embodies the capricious forces of nature, and therefore their legend is a lesson to mankind…”
The (after) Birth of Cool, Baron….My sole disappointment this go-around~ was that it was not written in Elvish.
I have to take a prescription dose of OTC Aleve now and run to the store to buy tampons because I’ve just gotten my period; I am telling you this because I now a have picture of of Dragon-on-Woman cunnilingus etched in my minds eye. The dick didn’t bother me.
Token, stop copying Anonymous’ comments!
Baron, I read the whole thing, and it was cool and stuff, but all I kept thinking about was how awesome nearly every Zelda game is, specifically the second one for the old Nintendo gaming console, “Zelda: A Link to the Past.” Fuck, even in the title you’re warned that this is going to be one hell of a game playing experience! There’s a colon! and ohmygod, the game is gold. GOLD! I can also beat it without dying. Swearzies!
Good article and all, buddy. I’m sorry I have the attn. span of a goldfish.
So not even the (broken) promise of dragon-human 69-ing can keep you going through a mere 800 words? I’m glad you’re too old to be influencing our children in some sort of educational capacity…
Oh hush, you know I read it. By the way, that girl has a HUGE ass!
Another great article, Baron! But seriously, after reading this, I MUST see the band. When and where are they playing next? Do you know these guys? Keep up the great work!
Come on Lil Stevie, we alll know you can’t see shit.