New Kids Nitro!

Oh, New Kids Nitro. You were almost the greatest movie ever. Almost.

An epic battle between people with hilariously unpronounceable names? Check!

The skeeziest Eurotrash to grace the silver screen since Tommy Wiseau? Check!

Completely necessary cumshots? Check!

Dude apparently throwing a beer can through another dude’s eye? Check! Still the greatest movie ever!

ZOMBIES?! FUCK YOU!

So that’s the true story of how New Kids Nitro was almost, probably amazing, based on the trailer I sort of paid attention to, and Abraham Lincoln helped.

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