Listen up, scumfucks! Those poor, misunderstood, downtrodden One-Percenters finally have a voice, The Job Creators Alliance, and they are going to fill our gaping maws with hot, sticky knowledge about what really drives the economy! Awesome(?)
Instead of listening to them, let’s judge them based on who has the creepiest head shots. You done got treated, rich assholes!
Creepiest Leaders of the Job Creators Alliance
10. Jim Anthony
Nickname: Jimmy Fingers
Turn Ons: Nieces, nephews, Superman underwear, Spin the Bottle: Family Edition
Turn Offs: The liberal media, normal-length necks
Catch Phrase: “Who wants pudding pops?”
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9. Brad Anderson
Nickname: Skully
Turn Ons: Biting, soda fountains, suspenders, sharpened candy canes
Turn Offs: New-fangled technology, casual Friday
Catch Phrase: “I have the original recipe for Coca-Cola in my escape-proof basement; come have a look sometime.”
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8. Steve Zelnak
Nickname: BTK
Turn Ons: Binding, Torturing, Killing, writing taunting letters to the police
Turn Offs: FBI profilers, the unproductive masses
Catch Phrase: [heavy breathing]
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7. Michael Holthouse
Nickname: The Lurker
Turn Ons: lurking, peeping-tom-ing, sneaking, creeping, stalking
Turn Offs: blinds, daylight, high water pressure
Catch Phrase: “I’m just out for a walk.”
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6. Fran Tarkenton
Nickname: Ginger Fantasy
Turn Ons: Helplessness, gullibility, Binaca
Turn Offs: Self defense training, common sense, safety blitzes
Catch Phrase: “Can you help me? I dropped my dermatitis ointment and this cast makes it really hard to pick things up.”
…………………………………………………………………………………..
5. Art Pope
Nickname: Art Lovely
Turn Ons: Moist holes, moist wounds, quicklime
Turn Offs: Sunlight as a disinfectant, well-lit forests
Catch Phrase: “I’ll pay for that quicklime with cash.”
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4. Javier Loya
Nickname: Joe College
Turn Ons: Unattended drinks, community college parking lots
Turn Offs: Security footage, star witnesses, skinny ties
Catch Phrase: “Jell-o shots!!!”
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3. William Hanley
Nickname: Buffalo Bill
Turn Ons: Q Lazzarus deep cuts, lotion
Turn Offs: Prison snitches, brilliant rival serial killers
Catch Phrase: “I’d fuck me.”
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2. Tom Stemberg
Nickname: Mr. Bonestripper
Turn Ons: Crying puppies, Stemberg-cell research, boxcar justice
Turn Offs: Elusiveness, pajama buttons, Andrew Vachss protagonists
Catch Phrase: “That’s the double death.”
…………………………………………………………………………………..
1. Susan Story
Nickname: Bealzeboss
Turn Ons: Genocide, fresh souls, The Warrens of the Damned
Turn Offs: Humans, eye contact with humans
Catch Phrase: “Fuck you, pay me.”
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