May or may not be Jonathan Davis. Note watermark.
Holy shit. Fuck. Guys. Guys?
Remember the band Korn? Christ! How embarrassing — me neither. We totally forgot about it!
As we all know, Korn disappeared on May 16, 1999 right after we all watched The X Files for the last time together (even though there were like three more seasons). Then we got wrapped up in our high school graduation parties, which we basically extended for two more years. It was so fun getting high and drunk every day, right?!
Since we finally went to college and got our communications degrees, we’ve been so preoccupied with our continuing adult education project, which involves consuming massive amounts of entertainment and pornography. We’ve been so busy, guys! Our 5 terabytes and counting of illegally-downloaded media attest to that fact!
Classic Illuminati, guys!
Well I I hate to get all Alex Jones on you (SPOILER: I don’t), but think Korn is back. I know, it sounds insane! But like all misunderstood geniuses, I’m basing my elaborate theory on one obscure piece of evidence that no one cares about. In a tossed off comment during a Billboard interview, Jonathan Davis, singer of the numetal abortion Korn (now with 100% more dubstep!), said the following: “I feel like Obama’s an Illuminati puppet… it’s basically dragged this country down into the worst it’s ever been.”
Woah! Woah.
To be honest, until I read that quote, I thought Obama was just another celebrity who got famous for having sex with a rapper or shitting in a cup or something. Turns out he’s the President, guys! But more importantly, this quote implies the existence of Korn. So not cool!
But, you Scully-esque, ticklebrained flirtgills might ask, why should I believe in Korn if I can’t see it with my own eyes? It reminds me of a story. There was a beach, and Jesus was there. And he said, “Those were the places I carried you.”
My point is, Korn is back. Just when everything was going so great. Now we once more have to worry about black oil, alien colonization, Satanists, mind control, genocide, eugenics, magical Native Americans, super-powered serial killers, and platonic relationships. I hate all of those things! Fuck you, Jonathan Davis!
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