Somebody release these Jews, er, dogs!
As with the printing, music, and information industries, the march of innovation has made the puppy industry more efficient, humane, and adorable. The term “puppy mill” has garnered many negative connotations in recent years. It may cause you to think of a breeding farm where dogs are confined in tiny cages stacked on top of one another like the world’s saddest game of Hollywood Squares, bred with whatever animal happens to be handy until they are dried up husks by the age of three, allowed only to watch basic cable (no Dog Whisperer!), and shipped to stores in packing crates marked “Punch Me: defenseless animal inside” with nothing but their own feces for padding. Thanks to science and our unsung hero the profit motive, that’s the puppy mill of yesteryear.
Today, every darling, bouncing puppy begins humbly with a pre-measured amount of industrial strength, Grade A dog cum product, known to breeders as Snuggle Sauce (TM). Breeders of the past used to rely on random and wasteful natural insemination. Thanks to Science, modern dog cum has become a highly processed, highly effective, FDA-regulated semen-like product.
The raw materials that later become Snuggle Sauce are collected by hand by highly skilled workers from anywhere from 300 to 1000 different adult male dogs, depending on individual yield. The fresh dog cum is then dumped into a mixer where it is stirred for at least 27 minutes, then funneled into a separator, which spins at a rate of 3500 RPMs until the semen separates into layers. The top layer is all precious dog sperm, which now resembles a slab of lard. The sperm slab is hand-crumbled by master Old World craftsmen into a 500 gallon vat. The vat contains a potent cocktail of specially-created hormones, extenders (corn starch, gelatin, sawdust), thickening agents (xanthan gum, locust bean gum), lubricants (various petrol-based polymers), stimulants (caffeine, taurine, methamphetamine), food dyes (mainly Pearl White #3), sweeteners (corn sugar), natural and artificial flavors, and of course our old friend water. This mixture is heated to about 100 degrees and is piped immediately to Puppadilly Circus.
Babies love Snuggle Sauce, too!
Puppadilly Circus is a grid of 64 stations, each containing a bitch in heat, AKA a Cuddle Receptacle, who is suspended from a special harness. To make the process less stressful, a mist of tranquilizers is sprayed onto the Cuddle Receptacles’ muzzles. A robotic arm gently inserts a lubricated insemination nozzle into each dog pussy. The Cuddle Receptacles are then pumped full of exactly 100 CC’s of hot, factory-fresh Snuggle Sauce.
The Cuddle Receptacles have been prepared with hormonal and nutritional IV drips that shorten the puppy gestation period to 30 days. At the 30 day mark, the Cuddle Receptacles are woken from their comas (Happy Naps) and the puppy litters are surgically removed by cheerful blade-wielding robots. The outer Cuddle Receptacle husk is discarded, leaving behind the yet unformed pup-meat. But the dog husks do not go to waste; they are ground into a slurry that is used in various products, from perfume to Cool Whip to teething rings.
A team of workers removes the most deformed puppies and tosses them into a grinder, where they are extruded as mechanically separated puppy paste, AKA Blendomix (TM). The paste is sprayed with a fine mist of meat-scented ammonia and is pressed and cubed. The Blendomix is then combined with extenders and flavor chemicals and fed to the remaining puppies. Each puppy’s Blendomix ration is supplemented with a gene therapy regimen that assigns it a breed and results in it growing into a fully formed specimen of that breed. This process takes a few short weeks.
This puppy is ready to be shipped
Once the puppies have taken on their breed’s characteristics, it’s time for them to be detailed and deodorized. Artisans use airbrushes to perfect markings. They apply makeup to cover up blemishes and tumors. They use tools to insert hair into bald patches. They employ surgical-grade plastics to prop up sagging ears. They paint on glazes to give the puppy’s eyes that shiny, alert look and their noses a healthy glow. They surgically insert tiny electrodes in strategic areas to make sure those tails keep wagging and those legs keep jumping and those tongues keep licking. Finally, they inject collagen to plump up their puppy faces, tummies, and nipples to maximum cuteness, and bleach their puppy assholes to ensure that pink newness. USDA inspectors evaluate each batch of puppy product using a variety of criteria, including: Temper, Cute-osity, Flirtatiousness, Agility, Alertness, Bouquet, and Gait. The puppies’ orifices are then plugged for easy shipping and sent off to a pet store near you! Thanks, Science!
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