Paulie Pumpkins, the controversial harlequin romance novelist, has published over 700 works of varying filthiness including Someone Better Grab These Knockers Quick, and the sprawling, historical epic Piccolo? Pumpkins is an eminent man of letters strictly in the sense that he writes long, rambling, vaguely threatening ones to dog food manufacturing companies and daytime soap opera stars. When not circling the globe on yet another cocaine-fueled book tour, Pumpkins enjoys quiet evenings of bizarre and rather misogynist discussion with long-time colleague Baron von Höboschlaier, whom Pumpkins met through a mutually shared love of dark, abandoned boxcars.
Baron Wolfgang von Höboschlaier was born in Baden-Württemberg, Germany, where he attended Heidelberg University, but left for the United States just before completing his dual doctorate in Vagrant Studies and Philosophy. In America, he was the first to study in-depth the death rates and causes of death in the homeless population. Von Höboschlaier discovered and studied several sharp, brief upswings of violent homeless deaths over a period of years, which remain unexplained to this day, despite his best efforts. Baron von Höboschlaier completed his doctorates and published Fearless Social Engineering, a radical rethinking of the role of compassion in society. He subsequently wrote several important works of philosophy which have been praised as “hard to stomach,” “horrifyingly callous,” “soul-destroying,” and “inhuman.” Today he lives in the Midwest and continues to write philosophy and observe popular culture, along with his friend and colleague Paulie Pumpkins. Baron von Höboschlaier hates all that is small and weak, and lives unfailingly by his ancient family motto: Töte die Landstreicher ohne Gnade.
