Sometimes it is hard to experience the reality of eldrich abomination in our lives. Romantic relationships, properly understood and properly practiced, are a highly effective means by which to invite interdimensional terror into our hearts.  It is written in The Book of the Keeper of the Secrets: “There are four stages of love, none more none less, permitted by the Nameless Mist, which shalt not be named. Any being that claims differently is lower than the Worm that Gnaws in the Night.” The Four Stages of Love are symbolically depicted in the portraits below.

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Stage One: Crimson

The first stage, Crimson Love is an intensely erotic, yet supportive, style of love. The lovers are not permitted to look directly at one another, especially in the eyes, nor are they allowed to touch each other in any fashion other than leaning or standing back-to-back. Speech is only allowed in dire emergencies. Only wholesome, unassuming clothing can be worn by the couple. The female must grimace in an unattractive fashion that makes her look like Julianne Moore’s much older sister. The male must never think of perky, youthful breasts, as this will cause his desire for his betrothed to falter. However, he is permitted to hide smoked sausage within the waist area of his tucked shirt. The lovers must hold their forearms tightly to ward off the corrupting influence of the Mother of Pus.

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Stage Two: Mojave

In Stage Two, Mojave, the lovers grow closer. They can now touch shoulder-to-crook-of-the-elbow. The male may gaze up the female’s ear or jawline, but they must always be oriented face-to-back. The sharing of the Breath of Gol-goroth is not permitted. The couple can sometimes change clothes, as the seasonal rites dictate. The female may take on the appearance of a horrid crone, despite claiming adamantly to be 23 years old. The male may resort to protest behaviors such as making love to the mayonnaise jar, as long as he does so behind the back of his consort. Both must pose uncomfortably at all times, to remember the suffering of Ulthar.

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Stage Three: Daydream

In the Daydream Stage of Love, the male may rest his hand on the flank of the female, but only if it is ritually paralyzed with the Blood of Vulthoom. The lovers may assume the Putrid Handshake pose in order to allow intimacy to fester and to disguise stigmata wounds from curious bystanders. The female may wear jewelry that honors Yog-Sothoth, the All-in-One. The male may brandish the Timepiece of Dead Kings. At this point, the lovers should be wary of lurking slime molds and should avoid man-made shelters.

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Stage Four: Ironstone

In the final stage of love, Ironstone, the creeping horror of true love escalates to berserker levels. The lovers are finally able to utilize the Soul-gaze of Summanus. They may face each other at angles of no less than 45 degrees. They may no longer hold worldly occupations, but may accept alms from most animal spirits (except ferrets and badgers).

Once the Rites of the Black Lord of Whirling Vortices have been performed, the female bears Cxaxukluth, the Androgynous Offspring of Azathoth, to term in her chest cavity. The male may, during the gestation period, wear padding beneath his jeans to ward off The Dick-punches of Ngirrth’lu. Once Cxaxukluth claws his way out of the female’s rotted chest-womb and unleashes ultimate destruction upon the world, the male may finally lay with the female, using her-still warm chest-womb opening as a velvety sheath for his phallus. As he spills his seed in her, he will be taken to the Far Realm by Atlach-Nacha, the Spider God. The prophecy is now fulfilled.