I was going to just let this go. I was. But it’s just been bunching up my pink-soda-colored Victoria’s Secret Sexy Little Things thong for a week now. The UK’s Daily Mail is world-renowned for basically being a tabloid but also, you know, classy as fuck. So why won’t they, in an article about big tits, just give us some big ass tits? I mean, Christ, how fucking hard is it?! And now I’ve taken up my valuable masturbation time by rewriting their lame article to make it — how you say — good. They better appreciate this shit.
November 11, 2010
duck + face = duckface
Duckface. It has been said and you just read it. This is a story that predates time and punches man squarely in the balls without warning, a rogue asteroid plotting to destory our planet. Duckface. Occasionally one will see photos of friends or random citizens in otherwise unassuming shots with a look upon their face. Sour apple meets confusion who meets missing chromosome who meets duck to form the ever more pervasive group, DUCKFACE. Surely someone such as myself could not know anyone so low as to form the duckface in order to pose for a photo or think that it would be a great idea to look like a god damn duck. Life was good not knowing duckfaces and enjoying people’s faces as they should be; smiles or frowns, punk rock lip, nothing lip and faggy droopy lip. To the story behind the matter…
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October 25, 2010
Fight the Treacherous Obesogens with My 15 Superfoods
By Dr. Rooster McAwesome
More than illegal downloading, unemployment, Muslims, or even the insufficiently-lateraled Trilateral Commission, obesogens are public enemy number one. These unpatriotic, totally not made-up substances are out to destroy America. Obesogens work their devil magic by first making us fat as fuck and therefore unintelligent, untrustworthy, and unlovable. As if this wasn’t horrifying enough, obesogens co-opt our very minds, causing us to spread the egregious lie that being obese is somehow not an abomination of god.
