By Iddiot Stuppid

Part 1: The Job Application

by Robert Walser

Esteemed Gentlemen,

I am a poor, young, unemployed person in the business field, my name is Wenzel, I am seeking a suitable position, and I take the liberty of asking you, nicely and politely, if perhaps in your airy, bright, amiable rooms such a position might be free. I know that your good firm is large, proud, old, and rich, thus I may yield to the pleasing supposition that a nice, easy, pretty little place would be available, into which, as into a kind of warm cubbyhole, I can slip. I am excellently suited, you should know, to occupy just such a modest haven, for my nature is altogether delicate, and I am essentially a quiet, polite, and dreamy child, who is made to feel cheerful by people thinking of him that he does not ask for much, and allowing him to take possession of a very, very small patch of existence, where he can be useful in his own way and thus feel at ease. A quiet, sweet, small place in the shade has always been the tender substance of all my dreams, and if now the illusions I have about you grow so intense as to make me hope that my dream, young and old, might be transformed into delicious, vivid reality, then you have, in me, the most zealous and most loyal servitor, who will take it as a matter of conscience to discharge precisely and punctually all his duties.

Large and difficult tasks I cannot perform, and obligations of a far-ranging sort are too strenuous for my mind. I am not particularly clever, and first and foremost I do not like to strain my intelligence overmuch. I am a dreamer rather than a thinker, a zero rather than a force, dim rather than sharp. Assuredly there exists in your extensive institution, which I imagine to be overflowing with main and subsidiary functions and offices, work of the kind that one can do as in a dream? —I am, to put it frankly, a Chinese; that is to say, a person who deems everything small and modest to be beautiful and pleasing, and to whom all that is big and exacting is fearsome and horrid. I know only the need to feel at my ease, so that each day I can thank God for life’s boon, with all its blessings.

The passion to go far in the world is unknown to me. Africa with its deserts is to me not more foreign. Well, so now you know what sort of a person I am. —I write, as you see, a graceful and fluent hand, and you need not imagine me to be entirely without intelligence. My mind is clear, but it refuses to grasp things that are many, or too many by far, shunning them. I am sincere and honest, and I am aware that this signifies precious little in the world in which we live, so I shall be waiting, esteemed gentlemen, to see what it will be your pleasure to reply to your respectful servant, positively drowning in obedience.

Part 2:The Cover Letter

by Iddiot Stuppid

February 2, 1992
Mr. Bluefeld Bottomsworth
Executive Vice President
Mutual Ink, Inc.
1422 Marzo Rd.
Aquatic, AK 67348

Dear Mr. Bottomsworth:

I would like to be considered for the Administrative Assistant position offered at Mutual Ink. I learned of this opportunity while rag-bagging outside a local bar, doing shots of Tequila relentlessly where known prostitutes gallivant outside. After becoming severely drunk, I expressed my undying desire to acquire this position while having unprotected anal intercourse with a transsexual, who also felt my ecstasy regarding this career opportunity.

My high use of narcotics and alcohol, as well as possessing excellent manipulation skills have helped me in achieving a strong library of drugs and booze in the home where I squat. My diligence and commitment to forming sadistic relationships with people is relentless; I always find a way to obtain my desires, and so feel extremely qualified to succeed in the business world. Also, I have sat in on a number of classes at a local community college where professors have kindly accepted my piss-stank presence, as I am quite interested in literature.

Through challenging positions, such as being so incognizant I didn’t remember being raped and having a kidney ganked on the night of February 1, 1990, I have developed strong survival-skills, effective interpersonal skills and the ability to problem-solve where my next meal is coming from. As someone homeless individuals in the community look up to, I successfully resolve most conflicts amongst them, helping them achieve meals and shelter in most instances, and diffuse any instances where shankings may occur. With my background as a male prostitute, I am confident that I can do whatever is necessary in obtaining success within this company.

Since I do not have any authentic work experience in any reputable business, I will not be enclosing a resume (not often do you get a cover letter without a resume- it should be covering something, after-all!!). I am torridly excited about this opportunity, beaming ear to ear about meeting with you. Thank you for your valuable time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Yadayadayada Johnson