Philosophy/Religion | What To Think

A lot of people out there think they know the best way to die. Guess what, scumfucks? You don’t!

“Durrrr, I wanna die fuckin’!” Shut your snaggletoothed mouth, you inbred pellet of possum shit!

“Ooooh, I want to die in my sleep!” Have you even thought about this at all? You really want to make the most important journey of your life in an unconscious state? How are you going you going to cheat God by accepting Jesus into your heart at the last possible moment?

“Waaaah, I want to die with dignity.” Listen, Gandhi, your dignity wont mean much when your remains are being shat out by a honey badger.

Transcribed from Master von Höboschlaier’s Itchy Heart Darshan of January 11, 2011, at the Friends of the Universe Hacienda and Day Spa

I am the most realistic person in the world. When other people say that, they mean something like “I try very hard to see the world as it is, not as I’d like it to be.” They mean they are neither optimistic nor pessimistic. This is fine. Really. I’ll allow it.

But I mean the phrase literally. My appearance is more realistic than everyone else’s. It’s really not that hard to understand.

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Jesus!

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So that’s what He was up to during those missing 30 years.

Requiem for an Up-your-dick Atheist

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Lately, Friends, I’ve been doing a lot of pondering. The gorgeous grounds of the Friends of the Universe Hacienda and Day Spa will have that effect. Some say it’s because of the imported mountain air. Others say it’s because of the unimpeded flow of caressing, affectionate ch’i.

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Muslim Achievement Timeline

For your edification, we cataloged the amazing achievements of Muslims throughout the past 1500 years and put them in a convenient graphical format. The image is large in order to fit all of the achievements, so it may take a few seconds to load.

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Small Men, Small Brains, Small Gods

By Baron von Höboshlaier

With Pastor Terry Jones about to burn him some Korans, it’s a good time as any to take a step back, look at all sides on this debate and ask: so what? Terry Jones, who is of course in Florida, the official breeding ground for idiocy, is clearly a moron. Why? The same reason (among many) that radical Muslims and radical believers of any stripe are morons.

By Captain Ponderschit

I have plenty of time to ponder the strange and sometimes scary thoughts that enter into my head while cruising at 35,000 feet. After all, flying airplanes is relatively easy compared to the hustle and bustle of navigating the traffic woes in the city to simply get to the airport. They say that I have a better chance of dying on my way to the airport than I ever do of dying while in flight. Who takes these stats anyway? It must be some lonely number cruncher that spends far too much time worrying about things other than drugs, alcohol, or pussy. I must have all three on a regular basis in order to stay fueled. I’m certain you feel the same, if not at least for pussy. Everybody loves pussy. Everybody.

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The Best Way to Die

BRACO! A Celebraco of Braco

I Am the Most Realistic Person in the World

The Stupidest Critique of Scientology Ever

Jesus!

Things That Need to Stop: People Forgetting That They Equal Shit (and SlipNutz)

Requiem for an Up-your-dick Atheist

Muslim Achievement Timeline

Cynicism: A Call to Arms

Small Men, Small Brains, Small Gods

Stick it God – I’m not Interested in Being Your Slave!

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