Oh, New Kids Nitro. You were almost the greatest movie ever. Almost.
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Sucker Punch
July 21, 2011 By 2 Comments
I'm in the movie the least out of all of us, but wouldn't it be cool if you all sacrificed yourselves for me, even though I'm totally against this escape plan? No? It would be stupid?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one. So this old guy kills his hot (I think?) young (perhaps?) wife (??) for the money in her will (pretty sure that’s why). But he gets super pissed because he didn’t check first to see if he was actually in the will (oopsie daisy!) and she gave all that money to her daughters instead. Zuckerpunch!(TM)
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And then this fat old bitch almost rapes his dead wife’s older daughter (almost rape is the worst kind of rape), but then decides not to rape her. Instead, he locks the older daughter up and lets her watch him death-rape her younger sister through a keyhole. Sidebar: Clearly this old bastard experimented extensively to find the perfect death-rape position with respect to the person watching through the aforementioned keyhole. But anyway — holy shit — the older daughter climbs out the window down a spout of some sort and gets a gun!
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But she doesn’t kill this old ballsack-smelling motherfucker because … she shoots a lightbulb instead of his giant, fat old body (she hates those lightbulbs!). And that act of cold-blooded lightbulb murder results in her being locked up in some asylum. I guess. And that benefits the old guy … probably. Oh, and the younger sister died somehow. Maybe it was from disappointment over not being death-raped?
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OK, we’ve finally covered the first 2 minutes of Sucker Punch. Get ready for a fucking stupid ride.
“That 70′s Show” Aftermath: A Report Card
May 26, 2011 By 4 Comments
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Topher Grace Stupid name, stupid face. As Eric Foreman on That 70′s Show, Grace nerded his way into America’s heart with his twitching, snarky effeminacy. But upon jettisoning the show to focus on his movie career, Grace has managed only supporting roles in two eminently gay blockbusters, (Spider-Man 3, Predators) as well as the lead in the ultra-turdy Take Me Home Tonight and a minor role in the ‘tarded Valentine’s Day. When the highlight of your 2010 was appearing waste-deep in a Garry Marshall afterbirth, things probably haven’t gone the way you planned.
GRADE: C
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Danny Masterson Masterson, a highly-successful child actor prior to his role as “Hyde” on That 70′s Show, has continued to find work much to the disbelief of everyone. Parlaying his gruff but ultimately lovable demeanor from That 70′s Show into such hot-ticket roles as “Kevin” in The Bridge to Nowhere, and “Douchebag Friend” in Yes Man, Masterson has assured the appearance of the word “Hyde” in the first sentence of his obituary. Case in point, D-Mac has recently begun DJing professionally under the name DJ Mom Jeans, and is reportedly planning an album. I, for one, look forward to downloading the album illegally, not listening to it, deleting it, then crafting a savage, dickish review. Oh, and he’s a Scientologist to boot.
GRADE: D
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Ashton Kutcher Kutcher transitioned saavily from the bumbling Michael Kelso on That 70′s Show to Ashton Kutcher, the bumbling producer of mildly successful shows such as MTV’s Punk’d and Beauty and the Geek. Following a forgettable string of movie roles such as Just Married, and Dude, Where’s My Car?,Kutcher hit pay-dirt by landing an advertising job making those Nikon camera commercials everyone hates. Further, in a kick to the nuts of talented people everywhere, Kutcher has signed on to replace Charlie Sheen as star of the hit comedy Two and a Half Men for a reported $20 million a season. Kutcher also rocks the Kabbalah so hard it would make your dick sting, and were his career to one day turn south, he could always spend time fucking his awesome mom, Bruce Willis.
GRADE: A+
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Laura Prepon As Donna, the freakily red-headed and mannish on-again-off-again love interest of Eric Foreman, Prepon seemed to be pre-ticketed for Lifetime Original Movie stardom as “the bitch you want to see get hit.” Instead, Prepon helped perpetrate a few crappy indie films before settling into the role of “the bitch you want to see get hit who’s guest staring on shows about to be cancelled. ” Despite all this, Prepon still found the time to date Danny Masterson’s homosexual brother Christopher, who sucks, before moving on to Scott Michael Foster, who also sucks. Things are looking up however, as Prepon has landed the role of “Chelsea Hanson” on the show Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea, a show that, by all accounts, has a chance to be a show, on television.
GRADE: C-
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Mila Kunis Oh, Mila. Mila, Mila, Mila… Playing the role of stuck-up rich girl “Jackie Burkhart” on That 70′s Show, not to mention fueling 11% of my teenaged-masturbatory fantasies, Mila Kunis would later turn out to be a rather decent actress. Nominated for both a Golden Globe and a Screen Actors Guild Award for the enthusiastic manner in which she went down on Natalie Portman’s muffin in Black Swan, Kunis seems to have what it takes to avoid the infinite sadness of a That 70′s reunion show. Voicing the detestable character “Meg” on Family Guy as well as showing some skin in the surprisingly excellent Forgetting Sarah Marshall ensures Kunis the creation for her, by me, a new word crafted from segments of two other words, and that word is “Jewlicious.”
GRADE: A++
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Wilmer Valderrama Playing the gang’s flamboyant, lisping, somehow-not-homosexual foreign friend “Fez” may have damaged Wilmer Valderrama’s career going forward. Case in point, the films cruel fate has allowed him to appear in, such as From Prada to Nada and The Dry Land seem to give Valderrama the look of a man destined for a particularly nasty E! True Hollywood Story. “I knew I had hit rock bottom,” Valderrama will bravely report, “when I had to start sucking pre-dicks prior to sucking dick for blow. Life mirrors fiction, and just like in real life, everyone secretly hates the fair, foreign friend and finds him intolerably annoying. The pre-dick road is a long and arduous one, Fez. We wish you the best of luck.
GRADE: F
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Meet Dr. Archibald Denney!
May 17, 2011 By 2 Comments
The great doctor of eclecticies from the esteemed Coney Island Medical College and Electro Center will soon be visiting a town near you! Dr. Archibald Denney, purveyor of fine, saucy slang such as None of Your Beeswax! and That Mulatto Boy Sure is a Right Regular Rag-A-Muffin! will be plying his honest trade much to the benefit of the male of the species who finds himself “all played out” and missing that special vigor of youth. And should the Good Doctor’s rousing, rah-rah-darb not have you back-on-the-trolley in short order, then his bona fide, kick-like-a-mule-in-the-old-struggle-buggy-third-goat-nut surely will!
Yes, I said third-goat-nut, gents.
Rousing pep and a third-goat-nut not enough for you, you say? Why, you’re just an all-wet piker then, aren’t you friend? But have no fear! Should a freshly installed goat-nut fail to get your God-given plums back firing on all six, why, the Good Doctor is prepared to scream obscenities at the offending glands while shaming them into compliance with several additional, expertly-placed goat nuts.
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Still not convinced? Well, applesauce, you son of a bitch! Let’s say you’re some sort of hard-case; a real dyed-in-the-wool-sad-sack palooka. And say that sweet little tomato with the gams who used to be hot-to-trot is now giving you the bluenose act and telling you the bank is closed Monday through Saturday, Sundays and holidays. If there’s a vigor scale, with 1 being the corpse of Elbert Hubbard, and 10 being Teddy Roosevelt, why, you’re not on the scale. But keep this under your hat, friend. You see, Dr. Archibald Denney is a very, very determined man. He’s got enough vigor for five illustrious doctors in fact. He’s one of a new breed of physicians who refuse to take “no place left to cram more goat nuts” for an answer. He’ll find a place, heaven help you, he’ll find a place. Dr. Archibald Denney will come to your town in the dead of night and will personally stalk about like a crazed nut-poacher until he has harvested every drop of goat esscence in the county. If the Good Doctor’s diagnosis then calls for the grinding of goat nuts into a paste and the injection of said paste into your spine, you can be darn sure your road to full rejuvenation is nearly complete, and that you’ll be back inspecting the chassis of a fresh new bearcat in no time!
Either that, or you’ll be a drooling, simpering, idiot manchild. No refunds!
Mac and Me: Disgusting, Retarded Aliens — You Know, For Kids!
May 14, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Mac and Me is the E.T. ripoff that came six years too late. It should have been one of those terrible straight-to-video movies that the video store clerks used put right next to the new release you actually wanted to see, but was rented out: e.g. Transformers and its even dumber cousin Transmorphers. Mac and Me is a piece of shit movie, no question, but it’s a massively entertaining piece of shit. At the very least it’s worth exploring as a case study that demonstrates what happens when corporations become too involved in the arts. It’s also worth watching in order to mock it mercilessly.
Why, Jesus, Why? For money and teenage pussy? Oh, OK. That makes sense.
May 10, 2011 By 1 Comment
Sometimes I wish I wasn’t always proven right. If I was occasionally wrong, then maybe humanity would have a chance. Maybe our species would be worth preserving. But, nope.
Atlas Shrugged: Part I — Who is Balph Merp?
May 6, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Who is Balph Merp? I have no idea! But I am pretty sure he is responsible for Atlas Shrugged: Part I. Only someone with such a stupid yet pretentious name could have made this film. I would urge you not to see it unless you love tedium and can’t get enough of weird character names like Dagny, Ragnar, Mauch, or Merp. I can’t say it deserves an 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. I’d probably give it a 50% for effort, which is still an “F.”
No, Fuck YOU, Susan
March 25, 2011 By 3 Comments
Today’s television sitcoms, aside from being universally terrible, seem to all employ an ex-husband/wife dynamic that exists nowhere in real life. Much like the myth of the respectable homosexual character foisted on viewers in the 90s, TV’s portrayal of formerly married but now lovably-combative superfriends leaves a lame, clichéd taste in most mouths. And just as real-life homosexuals can’t actually go twenty minutes without singing a flamboyant ode to last night’s glorious pinksocking, real-life ex-spouses don’t actually sit around playfully riffing one-liners about their marital indiscretions or lack of love-making prowess. In real life, divorcees will fight each other in gladiator-style combat, tooth and nail, never yielding an inch, never allowing a good petty squabble to go unengaged in for the sake of adorable little children named Billy…
