"You have such enormous talent!"

The Oscars are upon us, my friends, and it seems that everyone is falling over themselves to speculate about who will win, how boring the show will be, what dresses will be worn, etc. But really, why does anyone care? Why do the Oscars have even a tiny veneer of legitimacy?

Is the winner for Best Picture ever actually the best movie of the year? Certainly a movie must be at least pretty good to be nominated, but even a cursory glance through the recent best picture winners shows a penchant for swooping, swooning schmaltz.

Consider 2008′s winner, Slumdog Millionaire. What. The. Fuck. I’ll admit to enjoying Slumdog to some degree, but to say it was the best of 2008 is just a punch in the cinematic dick. Slumdog‘s plot has already been wiped from my mind, but I still enjoy re-watching the truly great films of that year: Forgetting Sarah Marshall (that’s right, I called it “great,” assholes), The Fall, The Dark Knight, WALL-E, Hellboy II, and Tropic Thunder. Slumdog didn’t have even a small fraction of the creativity or gratuitous Jason Segel cock that any of those films did.

Sometimes the Academy will pick a good one for the win: The Hurt Locker, The Departed, and No Country For Old Men come to mind as recent surprises. But were any of those truly the best film of their respective years, either? I’d argue “No” on all counts.

Or how about last year’s best movie, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World? Nope. No nominations at all. Instead, we get a list of admittedly excellent films, plus the sequin-and-cum-encrusted red-headed stepchild The Kids Are Alright.

Yes, there is a lot of subjectivity involved in judging art. Yes, it’s hard to tell what movies are going to withstand the test of time. And there is an inherent futility in saying that a certain movie is the best, because it’s being compared to different films with different artistic objectives and merits. So why bother? Because, as we all know, it’s not about art, but big egos and big money.

The winners are decided by a vote from the members of the AMPAS, who are a bunch of industry motherfuckers. And everybody knows they vote based on industry politics and, of course, a series of blowjobs.

But let’s say the AMPAS bitches voted based on their opinions. Is there anyone less qualified to judge what a good movie or a good performance is than a bunch of movie executives, producers, PR men, and makeup artists? You’d find a more informed viewpoint on film by conversing with the patients at your local special needs care facility. I probably watched more movies in my junior year of high school than these guys watched in their entire lives. Oh, sure, these old ball-sack-smelling sons of bitches still get more teenage pussy in a given week than I ever got in high school, but my point still stands.

The whole thing is flawed from the get-go. It’s nothing more than the movie industry’s pathetic display of self-fellatio. In fact, I heard Hollywood had Marilyn Manson remove its lower ribs so that it could watch him play Paul on The Wonder Years while sucking its own dick. And Abraham Lincoln helped.

So fuck the Oscars. Let’s all go bowling instead. I call not buying! Bowling is expensive as fuck these days.

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UPDATE: Hahahaha fuck you, Oscars! Your ratings sucked ass and another boring as fuck costume piece won the top honors. You are now completely irrelevant!