Fade in on a garbage-encrusted planet. The camera pans over a robot with a teardrop-or-vagina-shaped glowing heart. A spacecraft descends, containing a horrific Earth monster called “Kanye West.” Alone, rejected by humanity, he raps to an imaginary camera. Where are the tits?

The ship flies past an alien floating in vacuum with no spacesuit, wearing a furling dress. The alien transforms into Katy Perry in alien makeup and a weird outfit that, weirdest of all, does not display her mammoth knockers. Alien Katy Perry twirls around in a weird way that the director probably thought would look like a Mannerist painting. But, unlike a work of Renaissance art, there are no tits. Barely even a hit of that famous cleavage, boobs so dangerous they can’t be let anywhere near Sesame Street.

Stuff out of a low-rent Lady Gaga video happens. Katy’s dress and appearance change a lot for no reason. Katy kisses the robot. It changes into a naked albino Wesley Snipes with his Demolition Man haircut.  Kanye lets loose with some weak rhymes. Various animals do stuff. A cheetah fucks another cheetah while some worms watch. Katy Perry puts on sunglasses and Lee Press-Ons and then has fawn legs. Approximately one billion lens flares pop onto the screen. (Fuck, you J.J. Abrams! It’s all your fault!) Holy shit, where are the fucking tits?!

I can only conclude that this video was one of the most effective and dastardly uses of reverse psychology in human history, and Google searches for “katy perry nude” and “katy perry boobs” went up about a billion percent today. So don’t play into their game. Instead, watch the more Katy-Perry-esque and more honest “Supertight” video, and then do a search for “Rose Byrne topless.” At least you’ll see some titties.