The great doctor of eclecticies from the esteemed Coney Island Medical College and Electro Center will soon be visiting a town near you! Dr. Archibald Denney, purveyor of fine, saucy slang such as None of Your Beeswax! and That Mulatto Boy Sure is a Right Regular Rag-A-Muffin! will be plying his honest trade much to the benefit of the male of the species who finds himself “all played out” and missing that special vigor of youth. And should the Good Doctor’s rousing, rah-rah-darb not have you back-on-the-trolley in short order, then his bona fide, kick-like-a-mule-in-the-old-struggle-buggy-third-goat-nut surely will!
Yes, I said third-goat-nut, gents.
Rousing pep and a third-goat-nut not enough for you, you say? Why, you’re just an all-wet piker then, aren’t you friend? But have no fear! Should a freshly installed goat-nut fail to get your God-given plums back firing on all six, why, the Good Doctor is prepared to scream obscenities at the offending glands while shaming them into compliance with several additional, expertly-placed goat nuts.
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Still not convinced? Well, applesauce, you son of a bitch! Let’s say you’re some sort of hard-case; a real dyed-in-the-wool-sad-sack palooka. And say that sweet little tomato with the gams who used to be hot-to-trot is now giving you the bluenose act and telling you the bank is closed Monday through Saturday, Sundays and holidays. If there’s a vigor scale, with 1 being the corpse of Elbert Hubbard, and 10 being Teddy Roosevelt, why, you’re not on the scale. But keep this under your hat, friend. You see, Dr. Archibald Denney is a very, very determined man. He’s got enough vigor for five illustrious doctors in fact. He’s one of a new breed of physicians who refuse to take “no place left to cram more goat nuts” for an answer. He’ll find a place, heaven help you, he’ll find a place. Dr. Archibald Denney will come to your town in the dead of night and will personally stalk about like a crazed nut-poacher until he has harvested every drop of goat esscence in the county. If the Good Doctor’s diagnosis then calls for the grinding of goat nuts into a paste and the injection of said paste into your spine, you can be darn sure your road to full rejuvenation is nearly complete, and that you’ll be back inspecting the chassis of a fresh new bearcat in no time!
Either that, or you’ll be a drooling, simpering, idiot manchild. No refunds!
