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Topher Grace  Stupid name, stupid face.  As Eric Foreman on That 70′s Show, Grace nerded his way into America’s heart with his twitching, snarky effeminacy.  But upon jettisoning the show to focus on his movie career, Grace has managed only supporting roles in two eminently gay blockbusters, (Spider-Man 3, Predators) as well as the lead in the ultra-turdy Take Me Home Tonight and a minor role in the ‘tarded Valentine’s Day.  When the highlight of your 2010 was appearing waste-deep in a Garry Marshall afterbirth, things probably haven’t gone the way you planned.

 

 

GRADE: C

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Danny Masterson  Masterson, a highly-successful child actor prior to his role as “Hyde” on That 70′s Show, has continued to find work much to the disbelief of everyone.  Parlaying his gruff but ultimately lovable demeanor from That 70′s Show into such hot-ticket roles as “Kevin” in The Bridge to Nowhere, and “Douchebag Friend” in Yes Man, Masterson has assured the appearance of the word “Hyde” in the first sentence of his obituary.  Case in point, D-Mac has recently begun DJing professionally under the name DJ Mom Jeans, and is reportedly planning an album.  I, for one, look forward to downloading the album illegally, not listening to it, deleting it, then crafting a savage, dickish review.  Oh, and he’s a Scientologist to boot.

GRADE: D

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Ashton Kutcher  Kutcher transitioned saavily from the bumbling Michael Kelso on That 70′s Show to Ashton Kutcher, the bumbling producer of mildly successful shows such as MTV’s Punk’d and Beauty and the Geek.  Following a forgettable string of movie roles such as Just Married, and Dude, Where’s My Car?,Kutcher hit pay-dirt by landing an advertising job making those Nikon camera commercials everyone hates.  Further, in a kick to the nuts of talented people everywhere, Kutcher has signed on to replace Charlie Sheen as star of the hit comedy Two and a Half Men for a reported $20 million a season.  Kutcher also rocks the Kabbalah so hard it would make your dick sting, and were his career to one day turn south, he could always spend time fucking his awesome mom, Bruce Willis.

GRADE: A+

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Laura Prepon  As Donna, the freakily red-headed and mannish on-again-off-again love interest of Eric Foreman, Prepon seemed to be pre-ticketed for Lifetime Original Movie stardom as “the bitch you want to see get hit.”  Instead, Prepon helped perpetrate a few crappy indie films before settling into the role of “the bitch you want to see get hit who’s guest staring on shows about to be cancelled. ”  Despite all this, Prepon still found the time to date Danny Masterson’s homosexual brother Christopher, who sucks, before moving on to Scott Michael Foster, who also sucks.  Things are looking up however, as Prepon has landed the role of  “Chelsea Hanson” on the show Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea, a show that, by all accounts, has a chance to be a show, on television.

GRADE: C-

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Mila Kunis  Oh, Mila.  Mila, Mila, Mila…  Playing the role of stuck-up rich girl “Jackie Burkhart” on That 70′s Show, not to mention fueling 11% of my teenaged-masturbatory fantasies, Mila Kunis would later turn out to be a rather decent actress.  Nominated for both a Golden Globe and a Screen Actors Guild Award for the enthusiastic manner in which she went down on Natalie Portman’s muffin in Black Swan, Kunis seems to have what it takes to avoid the infinite sadness of  a That 70′s reunion show.  Voicing the detestable character “Meg” on Family Guy as well as showing some skin in the surprisingly excellent Forgetting Sarah Marshall ensures Kunis the creation for her, by me, a new word crafted from segments of two other words, and that word is “Jewlicious.”

GRADE: A++

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Wilmer Valderrama  Playing the gang’s flamboyant, lisping, somehow-not-homosexual foreign friend “Fez” may have damaged Wilmer Valderrama’s career going forward.  Case in point, the films cruel fate has allowed him to appear in, such as From Prada to Nada and The Dry Land seem to give Valderrama the look of a man destined for a particularly nasty E! True Hollywood Story.  “I knew I had hit rock bottom,” Valderrama will bravely report, “when I had to start sucking pre-dicks prior to sucking dick for blow.  Life mirrors fiction, and just like in real life, everyone secretly hates the  fair, foreign friend and finds him intolerably annoying.  The pre-dick road is a long and arduous one, Fez.  We wish you the best of luck.

 

GRADE: F

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