Greetings Pumpkinheads, Gay Wizards, and our ever-growing army of loyal readers!We here at www.WhatToThinkWeekly.com have some questions for you:
Do you love to write?
Do you know how to link letters together into larger clusters of letters, and larger clusters of letters into bigger, mega-clusters of large letter clusters? Do you love your wife? No? Why not? Oh, really? What a bitch! Right there in front of you and the kids? That whore.
Do you think thoughts and come up with ideas all by yourself?
If this fag can think about shit, why can't you?
Do you like to experiment recklessly with elicit drugs and your fine, young body? When you go to sleep, are you dead to the world until morning? Does having an angry German Baron scream at you bring back wistful memories of your father? Did you give up a shot at Olympic gold under the tutelage of Bela Karolyi to fulfill your lifelong dream of being photographed nude in public?
Do you prefer quiet, cash-settlements to bothersome civil litigation?
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, then you just might have what it takes to be a guest writer on the fastest-growing review website that features rank amateurs reviewing the living shit out of things!
And with our brand new, multi-step process, joining the WTTW team has never been easier:
Step 1. Create a classy persona for yourself. (e.g. Jack Vadgeblaster)
Step 2. Try again, because that lame shit you came up with wasn’t as good as Jack Vadgeblaster.
Step 3. Review something, anything. (e.g. books, movies, music, minority groups, that smell on your finger, etc.)
Step 4. Edit and spell-check your review, just like a real boy.
Step 5. Transfer your review onto a sheet of fine linen paper with a stilo pen.
Step 6. Have a interracial pair of public notaries totally notarize each other notarizing your review as a third notary video tapes the hot notary action.
Step 7. Have your freshly notarized review certified in a circuit court of your choosing.
Step 8. Have your freshly certified review medallion guaranteed by the ghost of Jacob Astor.
Step 9. Dip your review in goat entrails.
Step 10. Convert your review to microfiche.
Step 11. Project your review into the night sky of Gotham city.
Or
Alternative Step 1. Create a classy persona, write a review, and email them to us at: GuestReviewerScum@gmail.com
Remember, above all else, WTTW is a classy outfit. Your accepted submission may expose your talents to literally dozens of readers each and every day! Furthermore, having your work posted on our website will open up entirely new worlds for you. Not only will you make new friends who secretly despise your talent and plot to destroy you, but you will also gain access to more guest reviewer trim than you may or may not have had the day before. So get crankin’ on those reviews sports fans! The only thing separating you from internet stardom is your own subpar, animal-like intelligence, probably.
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Fig. 1: Clowns are scary! Especially publicly-masturbating ones!
Fig. 2: Didn’t read Ulysses but will wash your windshield with a filthy rag for a dollar.
Fig. 3: Such style! Such grace! Such class! Suck it, Emily Dickinson.
Fig. 4: If we wanted to be bored to death, we could just have had sex with your dad.
