Aside from several Asian ladyboys, none of whom seem to be coming forward for some reason, I am the person who best knows the world-renowned writer of Harlequin romance novels, world-reviled Facebook troll, and sort-of-recognized-by-a-bunch-of-lame-welfare-collecting-anarchists blogger, Paulie Pumpkins. And even I have never met the great man in person. So who is this rakish sexual dynamo with the intellect of a billion Stephen Hawkings joined together into the universe’s smartest human centipede, with the body of an Elder God that destroys the minds of those who behold it, and with the wit of a consummate rapist?

By using my formidable investigative skills, I have narrowed my search for the real Paulie Pumpkins down to three individuals.

The first is the young man shown below.

The preference for the gayest music ever recorded, the ability to deep-throat phallic objects, and the obsession with magic and Blues Clues revealed in the video’s tags are all strong indications that this might be our Paulie. But could the accomplished author really be a 12 year old boy? Perhaps…

The second candidate is another balloon-swallower:

This fellow is more ravaged by time and a diet of fast food and cum. Clearly he learned his balloon technique while sucking dick for crack rocks on The Street and he also sports the clothing style of a 17th century faggot, both of which positively scream “Paulie Pumpkins.” But would Pumpkins so publicly display his skills, or would this act more likely be performed in the privacy of a utility van in a Wal-Mart parking lot?

The final possibility is this man:

I believe he is the strongest candidate yet. First of all, this is clearly a trick conceived and perfected during week-long meth binges. And it is likely used primarily to entertain the man’s adopted special needs son (here providing the video’s soundtrack), whom he is using for the extra welfare income, a topic dear to Paulie Pumpkins’ heart. Secondly, the trick is disgusting. Thirdly, you get the strong impression that the man has killed several people who did not show sufficient appreciation of his balloon trick. You can see the insanity and organic brain damage caused by drug abuse behind those eyes, and you can see the lack of gainful employment in the depressing backdrop (likely his elderly, dementia-addled mother’s basement). This is a person who would have no problem exposing the world to his directionless rage and sexual deviancy, and who would have all the time in the world to do so. Therefore, I believe I have located the man behind the gay bearded sailor avatar.

Oh and one more question: Ultimate Zukerburn?